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Affection: When to Give It -- and What Dogs Need Even More ...

Posted Tue, May 15, 2007, 10:00 am PDT

My fulfillment formula consists of three parts: exercise, discipline, and affection -- in that order. In the U.S., most dog owners are experts at giving affection. Dogs here get more affection than anywhere else in the world. Unfortunately, it's often the only part of the equation dogs get consistently.

While a wonderful part of the canine-human relationship, affection that has not been earned can be detrimental to a dog, and is certainly not the primary thing your dog needs from you. Your furry friend needs regular, long walks -- and rules, boundaries, and limitations. Once these other needs are fulfilled, you and your dog can enjoy affection.

Any time you give affection, you reinforce the behavior that preceded it. Therefore, you should be rewarding stability and calm-submissive obedience.

Give affection after your dog has:

exercised and eaten,

changed an unwanted behavior into a behavior you asked for,

responded to a rule or command, or

entered a relaxed or calm-submissive state.

Do NOT give affection if your dog is:

fearful,

anxious,

possessive,

dominant,

aggressive,

whining,

begging,

barking, or

breaking a household rule.

When it's the right time for affection, by all means give your dogs all the love you have! Just, please -- make sure to give it at the right time.

Again, I encourage you to show your love not only through affection, but by giving your dog what he or she needs: long walks, rules, boundaries, and limitations. Your dog will appreciate it, and you will have a happier, more fulfilled companion with fewer behavioral issues.

Have more questions about affection? Check out the article Doggy Love: The Importance of Affection on my Web site. For now, here's a Dog Behavior Tip: Love alone will not create balance for your dog.

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74 Comments

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1. Vicki - 11:27AM on 05/15/07

I have experienced what Cesar is saying here. Before knowing this I would give my dogs tons of affection at the wrong times. My thoughts were "if I just keep showing them how much I love them they'll settle down." Wrong! This was always my down fall before I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I am now very clear about when to give them affection. They now know that Jumping, barking, fighting, & begging are the enemies of affection. Being calm & doing what I ask them to do gets them all the affection they want. What a difference it has made in our relationship. Thank you Cesar. Vicki
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2. CJ Anderson - 12:34PM on 05/15/07

The biggest challenge I have is when I come in feeling the most needy and wanting the dogs to give me the attention or affection I feel I am not getting else where. LOL this has been a great teaching on how I need to learn to give affection and attention to my self by taking my own time outs and listening to what I need most! The greatest place this Cesarian teaching has improved my home life is when I /we come home. The dogs are now left in the back bedroom with a doggie door to a large back yard. When they hear us come home, we wait until the barking and whining (and door crashing) calms down. Then when the door is opened to the bedroom, the person opening the door turns immediately away and "stands like a tree" ignoring everything until calm resumes - now about 15-30 seconds later. The great challenge here, is when my roommate forgets and says in a high energy excited voice - do you want to go outside, or is it dinner time, which puts them right back into a frenzy! Now when he starts to do this, I use a variation on Cesar's "shhh" ...which is "tsst" to bring his attention to what he is doing and STOP!!! (vbg - a way to handle with humor, teaching the human to do a different behavior!) Another quantum leap is learning to use the "cuddle" to teach the dog to relax to being handled in different body positions, and not being fussy if feet, ears, lips... and being handled or moved! Once there was no problem with us doing this, we would ask friends who came to visit to do the same thing. This has greatly benefited our visits to the vet! They still sleep on the bed - when WE invite them, or come up for pets and attention! Cesar has a great teaching on "claiming the space" which really helped with that piece so they have learned what the "safe" parts of the beds are (and they are NOT the pillows! - g)
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3. Chris Faherty - 2:04PM on 05/15/07

Like Cesar I am from another country.The way dogs are treated here was very confusing to me.Our dogs are never on a leash,except for training when they are young.The dogs do not live in the house.They sleep outside or in the barn when its cold.They decide.They follow always at the heel until commanded to do otherwise.They wait outside the store for us to return.They stay whenever we instruct them to do so.They do not fight with other dogs or chase cats. They have manners.
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4. Lori Reynolds - 2:17PM on 05/15/07

I was guilty of giving affection to my dog at the wrong time. My dog would lunge at other dogs on his leash and I would pet him and say "its ok, boy" "calm down". My dogs lunging started getting worst and more aggressive. I did not understand what I was doing wrong. Cesar made me realize that I was "rewarding my dogs aggression with affection" when I was petting him while he was growling and barking...YIKES...I was causing his aggression to get worst. I immediately changed. I quickly corrected his lunging with a tug upward on his leash and a sound "NOOOOO".. I would ask him to sit. I would let him sit quietly as the other dog walked by and then I would praise and give him affection.. He will now ignore other dogs or sit quietly as they walk by and wait for me to tell him "good boy". Thanks to Cesar I undersand that affection is a reward for my dog and I should be very aware WHEN I use it. I have become my dogs pack leader and my dog has become calm and happy, so I can give him affection alot to encourage that state of mind.
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5. bulldogthompson - 5:38PM on 05/15/07

Our dogs are not completely balanced or happy with affection only. They also need exercise and discipline, which they would get if they were living in a pack of wild dogs. How happy or balanced would you be if your dog tried to get you to act like a dog? Dogs are one of man's greatest companions, but they are not children. And by the way, many people do not realize the importance of discipline in their children's lives either. I am thankful that Cesar is finally teaching people the correct way to raise their dogs!!!
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6. Sheryl G - 7:30PM on 05/15/07

We have used Cesar's tactics with our three dogs and the difference in their behavior is amazing. I can now walk all three dogs at once and they heal at my side quite well. Our dogs all eat out of the same bowl, play together with the same toys, and they get along without fighting. Once in a while one of them tries to assert dominance but all it takes is a move from me toward him and he stops immediately and becomes submissive. Cesar is AWESOME!! Walking is so much more pleasant now that we are all moving in the same direction at about the same pace!
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7. L B - 7:51PM on 05/15/07

I used to depend on my dogs love and affection to "cheer" me up on a bad day. But what I actually did by offering affection before exercise/discipline was add to an already bad day. My energy was negative, and the affection took away the boundaries with dogs that had all this built up energy and no where to use it. Now, no matter WHAT my day is like, we have a routine, and we stick to it. While the places may vary, the routine are the three CM rules: AND THEY WORK! Thanks Cesar for empowering ALL dog owners.
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8. Renee / 32paws - 9:10PM on 05/15/07

Cesar is SO Right On on not giving affection when your pet is displaying negative behavior! I live near a ballpark where every Friday night in the summer they light off a Huge Fireworks Display! My dogs used to get so frightened, bark and shake for the 30 minute presentation. I thought I was helping them by comforting them and saying sweetly "it's OK, You'll be OK". But since I've had Cesar's influence, when the fireworks start, I calmly, quietly make a sound/movement to disagree with their fear, and not long after that I was able to lead them into the back yard even closer to the fireworks, so they could see I was not at all fearful of them. They have picked up on that and no longer even notice when the Fireworks go off on Friday nights. THANKS CESAR!
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9. Carol - 3:31AM on 05/16/07

I can't believe how it hit me like a brick when I first heard Cesar say how important it is when we give affection. Have had dogs for over 30 yrs. and this was such an eye opener. Am telling everyone who asks me about certain problems with their dogs if they are giving affection at that time. It's amazing how many are and that we didn't make this very basic connection. This is one of the most important lessons Cesar has tought us. Thanks Cesar. You are so inspiring.
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10. J. Austin - 8:07AM on 05/16/07

Cesar is absolutely right and unfortunately giving affection the wrong way is probably the biggest mistake pet owners make. I've had German Shepherds and Labrador Retrievers since I was 8 years old and have always followed the NILIF (Nothing in Life is Free) approach to pack leadership and have been careful to only reward good behavior with affection. My wife and I now have a German Shepherd Dog and 2 Golden Retrievers and it is wonderful to have 3 well behaved balanced dogs.They are much happier and of course we are too. Sheba, my first German Shepherd Dog, was terrified of electrical storms and thunder. Though just a kid, I learned quickly that by giving her affection and telling her it was ok while she was afraid actually made things worse (ever see a terrified 85 lb dog try to crawl under a couch ?). I quickly learned to break the unwanted behaviour ( fear ) the instant it started and to reward her with love when she was calm and ignoring the storm. Worked like a charm and have never had a dog afraid of thunder since. Cesar is wonderful. I'm happy to see that that his show is doing so well and that people are listening and applying his techniques. THANKS CESAR.
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11. keara - 8:37AM on 05/16/07

Mine is a husky she is very independent
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12. keara - 8:38AM on 05/16/07

Running is her favorite thing cant control that
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13. Susan - 9:11AM on 05/16/07

Coco Puppy still loves me!!!
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14. sararose60 - 9:22AM on 05/16/07

Cesar is so right. Even my lab, who came to us from a shelter having been abused and was very frightened, needed not only lots of love, but the security of consistent, kind discipline and an opportunity to enjoy himself through exercise. With a balance of affection, exercise and discipline, he is a happy, healthy family member now!
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15. c - 1:51PM on 05/16/07

I think if you can educate the people around you along with yourself then we can all have a better community for our dogs. No praises when a dog is fearful is important because then they expect you to defend them when they need to defend themselves if needed.
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16. darkhyjinx - 3:12PM on 05/16/07

I think cesar is on the money... so many people think that if i pet my dog enough he will what is asked of not so , dogs need a leader, a MASTER... not a pack-mate....
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17. tracylew_2000 - 6:09PM on 05/16/07

I agree with most of this but when my border has a nervous attack due to thunder and lightning, it is a little hard not to give in and show some compassion for her fears. If you can stand by and watch with no effect more power to you, but I need to comfort her so she doesnt' have a heart attack....valium doesnt' do it.
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18. Bubbles - 6:56PM on 05/16/07

I totally agree. As a professional groomer I have seen this work. Even in the short time I have the privilege to groom my canine friends. I Walk them and get to know the pet before the grooming process praise them when the are good on the grooming table. Big NO when they don't and LOTS of LOVE when the groom is done. Thank You Ceasar
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19. wordscape99 - 12:05AM on 05/17/07

my dalmatian also gets very upset by loud noises (thunder, fireworks, etc.)... while it is hard to watch him cringe, i know that if i make a big deal out of it, i will just be confirming that he SHOULD be scared by the noise... i usually take him into a quiet room and just sit with him until the noises stop... he gets over it and moves on with his life....
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20. Jackie Cassada - 9:02AM on 05/17/07

My Plott Hound Eve has learned to approach me calmly when I call her over and that this means she gets a long scratch behind her ears and under her chin and along the sides of her jaws. She loves this show of affection but knows that it only comes when she's calm. Even more than Cesar's methods, his advocacy of calm assertive energy has helped me not only with my animals but with everyday life.
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21. rhonda d - 9:34AM on 05/17/07

i have 8 small dogs there all afried of storms what / do i do/
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22. Joyce O - 9:54AM on 05/17/07

Just the advice I need for an overly domineering Basset that I just got from a family that felt the need to get rid of. I'm working on her learning the rules which she doesn't seem to know there are any. Thank you
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23. nverfollowtt22 - 10:37AM on 05/17/07

Yahoo! Pets is amazing.. just wanted to get that out there :)
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24. rwdavis22461 - 1:51PM on 05/17/07

Do dogs understand what we say or just the tone in which we say things. I got a 8 1/2 year old cocker spaniel he seems very aware what either my wife says or I say at times
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25. coopsha8 - 3:26PM on 05/17/07

Cesar's way which is exercise, discipline and affection is what helped me the most with my younger boxer. He has become more focused and more attentive to what I am saying. For the first time he "comes" when I call him or just motion w/my index finger. Cesar is RIGHT, when they are working for the affection they are truly happier and more eager to not only please but get that hug or scratch or rub they love. Thank You Cesar for guiding me to help my dogs and enjoy a more harmonious relationship with them...we are all healthier and happier thanks to Your Way.
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26. wendy82551 - 5:35AM on 05/18/07

I made the mistake of giving my silky terrier affection to calm her down -- I thought -- when she barked at other dogs and at people during our walks. After seeing Cesar's advice, I started just giving her leash a tug BEFORE she started the behavior, when I felt her tensing up. I would make her look at me to break her obsessive behavior and said "no!" to her. Within a matter of a couple of times, she completely dropped the behavior. Sometimes she tenses a little and then stops HERSELF and relaxes. THAT'S when I say "good girl."
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27. nverfollowtt - 10:12AM on 05/18/07

Can you subscribe to comments or get notified when someone else posts?
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28. nverfollowtt - 2:17PM on 05/18/07

Comment Test
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29. JANICE C - 6:38PM on 05/18/07

Can you sign up to hear the answers to these questions? My small dog is paper trained but he still marks things. Can I change this behavior?
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30. LUCY - 8:48PM on 05/20/07

I will raise my hand and plead "guilty." My dog on-leash used to lunge and bark at other dogs. I didn't realize by telling him, "It's okay..." that I was encouraging this behaviour. What Cesar says works. I am so greatful for all his help.
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